Setting Boundaries
I often say learning to set boundaries and honouring them, expressing your needs and meeting basic self-care are the building blocks to good mental health.
Boundaries are rules and consequences about what kind of behavior is acceptable for you. This is not about you telling others how they can dress, and who they can talk to, but rather a set of guidelines you share with others and yourself, around what is acceptable behavior towards you and what action you will take if they don’t respect your boundary.
Author and licensed therapist, Nedra Glover Tawwab, defined boundaries as expectations and needs that help a person feel safe, comfortable and heard in their relationships.
It is important to know that if you set a boundary and someone doesn’t honour it, it doesn’t mean you didn’t set the boundary right. It means they are testing you, they got something from your lack of boundaries and now that you have a boundary, they are upset. They will push you, so you remove the boundary. However, if you give in, they just learned that they only need to be persistent and then your boundary is no more. It isn’t easy to do, especially if you really haven’t been doing it before. But the more you do it the easier it becomes. Start small.
Some Examples of Boundaries
1. Emotional boundaries: Communicate discomfort with disrespectful behavior calmly and assertively.
Example:
“If you yell, I will leave the room/conversation/desk etc.”
2. Physical boundaries: Clearly express preferences regarding physical contact, such as handshakes or hugs.
Example:
“Sorry I don’t like hugs, can we please shake hands instead.”
3. Sexual boundaries: Discuss boundaries with partners before starting intimate relationships.
Example:
“I don’t like so and so, if you try to do that, then I will leave the room.”
4. Workplace boundaries: Set a professional tone and address boundary violations promptly and professionally.
Example:
“Please don’t talk badly about coworkers around me. I will change the subject if you do.”
5. Material boundaries: Clearly outline expectations for the use of personal belongings, especially when lending them.
Example:
“You can borrow this book, but only for a month. If you don’t return it on-time I expect you to buy me a new book. If you destroy the book, I also expect you to buy a new book.”
Or perhaps you tell them you won’t lend them anything again if they don’t respect your boundary. The last option means that in the future when they ask to borrow something you have to say no and may need to remind them why.
6. Time boundaries: Communicate expectations about punctuality and enforce them respectfully.
Example:
“I’ve noticed you often show up 30 minutes to an hour late. In the future I am only going to wait 15 minutes and then I will leave. “
Or perhaps you tell them you won’t leave for the destination until they have confirmed they have arrived.
There are best practices when asking for something or expressing needs. A method I strongly suggest is something from DBT, called DEARMAN. I will write another blog post on that another time.
